Guys remember that time I did some exercise? I tried it again today
SWING CLASS (coz y’all know I can’t do anything normal!!)

So I was bored on Netflix and ended up watching some totally random documentary on swing and Lindy hop and Charleston. And I was all like “bitches please, I can do that. I’ve been to New Orleans!!”.
Some at 3am, I ended up googling where the closest class was. Oh 10 minutes walk away. Take my money.

So I just got back and I may have slightly overestimated how good I would be at swing dancing. Like maybe a little bit. Maybe….. ok fine Facebook. A lot. I grossly overestimated how good I would be at swing dancing based on a week in NOLA.

So I turn up to the class and I’m pretty sure every single guy waiting in line I have seen on Tinder at one time or another. So I’m awkwardly hiding my 6ft self under my scarf like a Russian babushka. (Sidenote. I swipe yes to everyone, it’s not like I hurt their feelings!!).

So the lovely lady checking people in asks if I’d like a student discount. Yes i would love one, but sadly I’m not a student anymore. But thank you for thinking me young. I may actually love you right now.

So I rock on and have to write my name on a sticky label (like a boss), and it gets me thinking. Should I just make up a new persona? Like decide to encompass someone totally different. Someone who can swing dance. So I start to write “Dotty” (it just fell like an authentic swing dance name to me), but then I thought better of it (because really, what if all these tinder guys in the class think I was catfished?). So now I have an awkward “D” at the beginning which I have to try and turn into a “K” which fails. So now it looks like either my name is “Dim” or I can’t spell “Kim”!!!!

So I’m standing in the circle of beginners and these people have clearly all been here before. They know each other. They have inner jokes. They are laughing at each other’s jokes much too much. I decide I hate them and decide to act cool.

My go to “cool” reference is the brooklyn sleaze bag in Grease 2 who is trying to seduce the girl in the bunker. I think this public admittance probably says a lot more about me than it should do…… or I just really have a thing for brooklyn accents and sleaze bags. But Lordy, I love that character.

Anyway I digress. So I’m standing there being as “cool” as I can (without the need for a bunker), and start planning an escape plan in my head. Right, if I stand right by this door, I can sneak out when it gets “too much”!!. So the class is starting, and it’s packed and the tutor guy comes up to me and “leads me by the hand” to the other side of the room. Away from the door!!! Away from my escape route!!!

What now people? How the hell do I get out of this room? I’m bloody trapped!!.

So the class begins and we are first asked if we want to be the “leader” or “follower”. And I’m all like “bitch please, I’m a natural born leader. Until the instructor says “the “leaders” will be leading the dance”. Girl, my ass has never moved so fast to the follower side of the room.

We were made to stand in rows and of course, I positioned myself at the back. “Tall girls at the back ladies. Tall girls at the back.”

So, we go over a couple of moves and i legit can’t do it. Those of you who have followed my previous exercise “misadventures” will remember that I don’t learn things fast!! When I do learn something, I’ll never forget it. But it does take it Sweet time going into my brain.

“Phew”, I thought. “Noone will see how terrible I am”, until I heard the dreaded words “everyone at the back now come to the front!!”.

So, I’m now leading the class with the wrong dance moves. Swallow me world.

It’s then time to pair off and practice what we have learned. As I’m eyeing all the boys up and down I see Sam. I defo haven’t seen him on tinder before probably because he is older than everyone in the room combined. All those tinder boys looking hot and fresh, and I pick the 78 year old as my dance partner!!
Out of all the boys in the room, I wanted a man to teach me to swing!! He was there when swing dancing began after all!! 😉
Sam knew what he was doing. He claimed to be a beginner (but we all know he was jsut there to get his studly self seen by the ladies). He played me like a fiddle and I loved every minute of it. I only kicked him once (go Kim).

So my swing vaginity was taken by a 78 year old man and I couldn’t have loved it more. We did get to swap partners, but I’ll never forget my first!!

Play it again Sam

Exercise 0
Kim 0
Sam 1

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